Life Updates

 The amount of anxiety I have about literally everything, lately it's been worse than usual. Am I a good enough mother? Will I ever meet my own expectations? Will I ever be good enough? Am I ever going to be good enough to accept myself?

At the end of the day it is never about whether or not I am or am not good enough, but more about whether or not I can see the good I actually already do. I am a human with complex emotions, triggers and mental complexities. Diagnosed or not, I am a complex human with many burdens and in all honesty many I take on for others. Today I finally offloaded some of that to the proper place, and I am concerned that it may have been the wrong move. Was there something else I should have or could have done? I am unsure. What I do know is that it was a burden far too heavy to cary on my own.

I work in a homeless shelter and deal with vulnerable, and disadvantaged people. The line between support and friendship is often so grey and my brain usually struggles to keep up with the emotions and support that I can give and making sure that I am not giving too much information to clients. Making sure that boundaries are clear and established while also being the immediate support, mediation, enforcer and rule reminder takes its toll over time. And yet here I am, at work again, doing it over again, but despite it all choosing to be here, be present, feel, improve, support, respect, uplift and encourage the people in a position that I was so lucky to get out of. 

Every year around this time I start to have massive panic attacks. To the point of illness. It is October. It is the month I was in the infant intake home, the month before I was placed into what I now consider its own House of horrors. And at the same time I know it could have been worse. It was what it was, it was how it was and the traumas, at this time of year are triggered by damn near everything. Sounds, people, planning, smells, shopping, food, drinks its all just different. Sometimes I wish I was a bear and could hibernate through this time of year and just forget it even existed to begin with, but that wouldn't fix it, it wouldn't change it at all. All that is is wishing to avoid what happened, avoid the triggers and wish it all away.

My work focuses on creating accountability and using the structure that is forced by accountability to create positive and long lasting change and personal growth. So as our model is to demonstrate this accountability and lead by example, I will be dedicating this year to attempting to challenge my perceptions, and face my triggers with bravery, strength and respect for myself and others. I am simply a human striving to live my life fully and actively in the moment. As I live it I want to experience it, and I don't want to be held back by these triggers, fears and traumas any more. 

I have complex post traumatic stress disorder, and dissociative identity disorder and the times where normally I would just pull back into the head space and disappear for this time period, but the difference is that this year, I don't have a system. I am finally one, and I am terrified of what October to December will bring. I can say for sure that just writing this is a huge step in the direction of facing everything that I have truly suppressed. 

Thank you for reading,

Madi