Letting Go the complexities that don't quite make sense

Side note: this is written as I speak to myself, this isn't written to lecture, just to get how I think written down somewhere. thank you for reading this, please don't be afraid to share any and all thoughts and feedback in the comments! 
Love always,
MadiJ

What Does "Letting Go" mean to you? 

As someone with a complex past, and no real solid plan for the future, often times letting go feels like abandonment.  It feels like loss, pain, disappointment, fear, aloneness and in all honesty, failure too.  Why might letting go feel so negative?

To me, letting go feels like giving up.  Toxic marriages happen, and when children are involved in those toxic marriages, then to let go can feel like "giving up" on your family, on your children and maybe even on your dreams.  Toxic family structures are normalized and even sometimes admired.  In toxic environments, you can get stuck in the negativity, and sometimes that is all you know, so how can you know what healthy feels like, if you have never felt peace, calm or lived in a healthy environment, then how would you even identify what healthy is?

You can learn new ways to live, we can learn to be safe, and to live in peace as I did myself.  Cutting people off is not failure, becoming who you are in your own time is still becoming and learning how to feel peaceful and live peacefully and within yourself is still unlearning abuse, unlearning toxicity and re-defining success by your own standards.  No matter what you were told, no matter who told you it, you are worthy to unlearn all negative, limiting and just plain toxic beliefs you may carry within and about yourself.

 Some keys that I have learned in my growing stages are to use tools, learn coping skills and to trust yourself, your judgment and your decisions.  You can let go of a person, place, thing or even a feeling if you have the correct tools to do so.  It may be hard, and it may take time, but learning to set and enforce boundaries is an AMAZING place to start.  The boundaries you need to set to let go are so that you have space to process and decide which actions to take, are you letting go all the way, part of the way or just a little.  A bit of this process is to understand why you are letting go as well.  Is it to painful to hold on?  Is it too painful to keep arguing, fighting and repeating patterns?  Are you just tired and need a break?  Are you needing a change? Etc. etc. etc.....

There are so many things, places and/or people that no longer fill your heart with joy.  We all experience it, and we all walk through times of loss.  It is okay to grieve even when you are the one who chose to let go.  You are not obligated to hold onto anything that no longer serves you and your desires.  I tend to look at life a little bit like a video game, you start out with the basics: a body, a voice and a diaper and as you grow up you are equipped with more XP and better tools and armor.  If you have the money then you might get the cheat codes, If you have great parents, support and family then you probably have boosters (playing with supports/friends) but if you are like me, you are the player that has always just figured it out play by play, you always assume that the next level will take you out, and you probably feel like you have no idea what you are doing, but somehow you just keep passing levels.  As you improve and grow you start to realize hey people are now seeking me out, they are playing along side me, what is this?  Sometimes you are grateful for the support, but you don't know who you are so you are a bit suspicious of them, so you just keep warily playing and never really talk.  You are not rude, or cruel or mean you are just quietly passing level by level, so here you are reading a random blog, in this video game that you don't think you are doing great at, and here I am too:

You are so wrong!  I see you playing each level, each side quest and while you might be lower level your defensive armor is immaculate!  your weapons are all modes out to fit all those extra side quests and im sure you didn't notice but that wizard over there has been following you for years, so he probably has a spell or two to up level your luck.  Look at all the people around you, did you look at the chat today? No, well you were the topic of discussion and all of these "randos" are here to support you.  Yeah 1 or 2 might be cruel and just here to wish ill on you, but those other 20 are protecting, praying, warding and guarding your back as you chug on.  I see you struggling on this task of letting go, it hurts, it sucks and it is really really hard, but Im here to tell you: We can do it.  Grieving is the next task so its okay to let go!  We are here for you and its gonna be okay.  I promise.

It is all going to be okay!  Love you all my Warriors and friends! 

MadiJ