What the Heck are BOUNDARIES

 

What the heck even are boundaries, why are they neccisary and HOW the HECK do they work?

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Setting boundaries starts with understanding your own basic needs, for me there are a few basic things I need for every relationship, friendship or partnership to be successful.  Everyone has their own needs and desires but for the sake of this blog, these are my needs, wants and desires when it comes to conversations, interactions, disagreements and discussions.

Personally these are my needs:

1) Open communication in conversations including calling me out when I interrupt and being willing to be called out when interrupting 

2) Ability to accept fault on all sides

3) Ability to think critically and use empathy too see other peoples point of view, or see situations for other points of view.

Here are some boundaries that I have set based on those needs that I have expressed here:

1) During communication I will not be yelled at or screamed at in a conversation and I will not yell and scream in a conversation.

2) I will not accept my reality being negated, but being questioned logically is fine.  This is a fine line here, don't call me a lier, but communicate where misunderstanding or misperception, or even difference in perspective.

3) When at fault own it.  When I am at fault call me on it.  When big feelings are involved communicate face to face.

4) Do not have hard convos over text, call me or tell me in person, texting me will cause me to have a panic attack- this is a very firm boundary.

5) If you cannot see why someone might have reacted as they did, stay quiet.  If it can't be fixed, stay quiet. in simple terms do not TRASH TALK others.

Here is a really important thing about boundaries, and something that is often forgotten in the mental health field:

Boundaries by themselves mean NOTHING!  That is right, you read it read that correctly.  Boundaries mean NOTHING by themselves, so how do we make our boundaries mean something?  Well the key to boundaries and making your boundaries have meaning, how do you set boundaries and mean it?  How do you let other people KNOW that you mean it when you say "no," "stop" or even "I won't tolerate that"? The key is the hardest (and in my opinion most empowering part) of this boundaries recipe- Enforcing Your Boundaries.

Let's get SUPER, DUPER, UBER comfortable with enforcing your boundaries, but how? what does that look like? 

Let's look at a scenario for this: 

You have a coworker who often calls out of work and asks you to cover his shift.  You have always said yes, but this time you say no.  This coworker starts to yell at you through the phone, saying that you have ruined his Friday night plans, and that you always say yes.  You try to explain that you also have plans, but he cuts you off yelling that your plans could never be as important as his. now, in this situation you could do a few things; cave and cover his shift (but we are talking about boundaries here), say no and hang up, or set and enforce your boundary. What would I recommend in this situation? Well based on my boundaries of not being yelled at in a conversation, I would set the boundary and an actionable consequence for any continued yelling. I would say something like this: "I am so sorry that you didn't plan according to your schedule, in the past I would bend my schedule to help you out; however, due to your tone of voice in this conversation I will not be covering any of your shifts that I don't WANT to, more will I be covering ANY of your shifts with less than 24 hours notice.  I will not be yelled at, and if you continue to yell I will hang up." If that coworker decides to hang up, that's fine.  If that coworker continues to yell, hang up.  If that coworker repeats this type of call in the future I would simply say "I set my boundaries before when we spoke, I am hanging up now and I will not be covering your shifts in the future.  You have no further reason to reach out so I will be blocking your number now." Boundary effectively set and enforced.

This is a super plausible situation, that could really happen, but this is a relatively easy boundary to enforce.  This is not a super close relationship, so how does that differ if you are talking to a sibling, parent, aunt, uncle, grandparent or even your own teenage-adult child? Now the relationship changes, there is history, love, respect and maybe even abuse in the past.  It gets tricky but the steps are basically the same.

Speak the boundary, state the consequence if that boundary is crossed, and then when it is (because boundaries will always be tested) enforce that boundary.  With an ex- mother/father of your child who repeatedly lies/manipulates/yells etc. you might set hours of communication. for example- unless our child is in the hospital, the only time I will be available to reply is between 5 and 7 pm after I get off of work, and I am only going to respond to messages about our shared child(rent). 

Boundaries are HARD and no-one said this would be easy, but boundaries are necessary to increase your own self worth, your own self confidence and your own sanity in many ways. 

I hope you have an amazing turn around, and you are able to really assess your needs and wants as a human being, decide what you will and will not accept from yourself and others and then voice what those are. Lastly, implement those consequences for others AND yourself.  Stay consistent, stay empathetic but do not waiver when it comes to your worth. Enforce your Boundaries.

I love you my Badass Trauma Survivors, and My Strong Boundary Setters! You Got This!