"Holiday Blues" or Sever Childhood Trauma?

 

The amount of people who truly believe that children under the age of 2 have no cognitive memories, always forget the outliers. Like myself, we are the ones who remember. We remember what happened, we have flashes like a movie clip that can be triggered by many different things. 

The fact is, I remember a lot. I have the uncanny ability to survive the memories, the pain, the loss, the disregulation that so many are crippled by. Maybe because I am a system with many who hold the memories piece by piece, maybe my brain split far younger than I thought, who knows. What I do know is that the triggers around this time of year are so bad that I often get to the point of harming myself, and taking drastic risks I wouldn't at any other time of the year. I am never sure if I will survive the Hollidays and this year is no exception. As I struggle to fight who I am, what I experienced and the depression, anxiety, PTSD triggers, fear, seasonal triggers and so much more daily.

When people talk about the winter blues, or holiday blues, I truly wonder if they are experiencing the same things that I am. Does the smell of a Christmas trees make you want to puke? Does eggnog always taste rotten? Do Christmas bells, Christmas music and the sounds of "Holliday cheer" make you want to plug your ears and run away? Are they suffering from flashbacks? Do they sift through all of the memories of the Hollidays and pick out the 1 or 2 good memories that they can cling to to convince themselves that it is "not that bad"?


I hope no-one else feels like I do. I hope no-one else hurts like I do this time of year. I hope no-one else wants to die so bad it aches like a long lost call like I do this time of year. And if they do, I hope they have support like I do, I hope they have a reason to push on like I do, and I hope they hang on, and I hope they see spring and summer again like I will. Because for me- I have my son, my best friend, my chosen family, my whole world here and at the end of the day, that is enough reason for me. 

Please if you are struggling like I am, reach out, ask for help, and find a small reason every day, to keep going. The why doesn't matter as much as the will. Keep it simple, find how where possible and keep going. I am so proud of you all.

The Troubled Adoptee- AKA Madi

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