My Life in a nutshell

  THE MOMENT The moment when I realized that I am naked Without my hat. The work hat that I choose to wear It covers not my head nor sits upon it It does not attempt to cover up my hair Instead, it helps me work within my capabilities My hat is but a simple thing It is not a thing I choose  It helps me figure out the ring Of the tone in my voice, and the words that sting. I work my best when I wear my hat Using words as weapons and comfort situational As a blanket of hope, or vengeful bat I am who I am that's surely true But when it comes to my hat I realized It keeps me from becoming depersonalized. So may hat though strange it may seem, is what keep me, in the moment, from letting out the banshee Scream.

  When everything seems to be going right My inspiration takes to flight And all the things I used to think I watch the value I assign them shrink. Day by day and night by night, I struggle with the urge of flight To run and hide Creep out like the tide. But here I sit instead Fighting my own head Like a small child lost and alone I still feel that I must atone. For what I have wronged and squandered Forgetting the places Ive wandered The adventures I have had Remind me the value of scared, glad, mad, sad. Sometimes I really believe, That this heart I wear on my sleeve Is nothing more than a weight Deserving of nothing but wait... I am that I am who I am. -Madi-

 The amount of anxiety I have about literally everything, lately it's been worse than usual. Am I a good enough mother? Will I ever meet my own expectations? Will I ever be good enough? Am I ever going to be good enough to accept myself? At the end of the day it is never about whether or not I am or am not good enough, but more about whether or not I can see the good I actually already do. I am a human with complex emotions, triggers and mental complexities. Diagnosed or not, I am a complex human with many burdens and in all honesty many I take on for others. Today I finally offloaded some of that to the proper place, and I am concerned that it may have been the wrong move. Was there something else I should have or could have done? I am unsure. What I do know is that it was a burden far too heavy to cary on my own. I work in a homeless shelter and deal with vulnerable, and disadvantaged people. The line between support and friendship is often so grey and my brain usually struggles ...

 Now that my computer is finally fixed, I am back y'all! I have returned with new life lessons and a whole lot to share, so consider this my reintroduction to myself. As a single mother, a friend, a full time employee and above all a human being. I am worthy of love and appreciation, I am worthy of telling my story and I am worthy of sharing the love and light that flows through me. My name is Madisun and I am a survivor, a human with intense and valid emotions and feelings, a researcher who has a special interest in all things trauma, and a human worthy of experiencing all of that freely. I also sometimes need a break, everything can get overwhelming especially for neuro-spicy people like myself, but the life updates are coming in, so I figured it was time repair my computer, take a deep breath and dive back in. I currently work full time, over nights, in the social justice world. I continue to grow as a human, expand in my empathy and become who I was meant to be. The pain, the a...